


custodi, rege et guberna /  Ty zawsze przy mnie stój // (connection)

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Luxu!! I've Heard Enough.  /Chain of Hearts [10]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, I've written Polish version of this first so I'll upload that one too just for myself; tomorrow XD, an aside of 'He feels Nothing' ficlet, headcanons, not really a oneshot as it makes no sense on its own, rating the lvl of Lion King and that was G in my country, warning: silly teens were silly and faux philosophical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:08:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22396090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: A link in a chain, binding. So important, so crucial, yet complicated-An almost forgotten, deeper truth of the burgeoning Heart that, never was, but wished to-A ray of-(And the curtains tried to shut, for the power of the not quite true sunshine or fire, and it could be frightful.For, in touch, in moonlight, would they each become real?—-----------His prayer. A name. What matters. A - no. LEA. And KEY - HER. And Is- well, his own also matters. (?) The name of his religion. Lea, and her, and let the rest burn, for all he cared, himself most of all-If fire was Lea.*********Save him. He could've, still, if, back then... Back then. Back then there was less noise. Or more.*********A/N:  Let's just call it chapter 3.5 of "He Feels Nothing". Like a scene in a director's cut.It was going to be in chapter 4 but then I remembered that my fics are often confusing, or so I've heard, and here a flow would be potentially confusing.Much shorter reference to this all will be in the future chapter someday anyway. Maybe in chapter 21. But it doesn't spoil anything. It fits quite well in next chapter if I wasn't afraid of confusion. :)
Relationships: Axel & Saïx (Kingdom Hearts), Isa & Lea (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: Luxu!! I've Heard Enough.  /Chain of Hearts [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576777
Kudos: 4





	custodi, rege et guberna /  Ty zawsze przy mnie stój // (connection)

Demyx's music soothes some of the noise, of the nails of the chalkboard sound. Now, let's just hope Axel doesn't come visit unexpectedly, bringing the noise, the nothing, back with him, in full throttle.

Even though... he should come back to the castle, if things were to be convenient, before Saïx does any paperwork. Because Saïx needs some coffee now before paperwork, and, well, coffee might as well be rainwater for all the effect that it has on his body if Axel isn't around. Why, he's just not sure. That's just how it is, ever since the scar. That's just how it is.

The silence is nice.

_And horrible. And deafening. And exhausting._

The silence is nice, and... what did he want to remember, again? If even Axel-

_**~~Ah, but whatever it is, it won't change a thing. That's just how it is. Can you not see? The Heart shall never be yours. For it is not here, and shall never be. Begging is pointless. It is nowhere, and so shall it remain. Already submitted.~~ ** _

Saïx rubbed his eyes and his scar.

Too bad all the traces of Demyx's music are now gone from the air, too bad he went and left like that. In the silence, the delusionary imaginary voice in his - mind? - spoke again, and Saïx has to pretend he didn't hear it.

Because he **_is_** a fairly sane person, still, certainly. Even though he's not a person at all. What did he want to remember? Was it about Key or about Lea?

No, he was too tired to thing about ~~_**Subject**_~~ her, **_~~X~~_** Key. Much too tired right now. And besides, thinking about her, when it seemed that aXel has long forgotten seemed so fucking futile, and he-

What DID he want to remember? Oh, right. The sound of - not silence, and not noise --

***************

of not Nothing-- when it was yet to be eternal --

~~**_In other words, what you seek does not exist. For Nothing is etern-_ ** ~~

Noise. But so quiet, barely drowning the not-voice... there's no voice... out.

"Axel," Saïx muttered, to nothing and nobody. The noise grew slightly louder.

"Axel", he said, again. His head ached a little. And - he remembered.

*****************

_ "Saïx!" _

_ Axel was a week old, back then, so to speak. Though that just sounded absurd. _

_ "Saïx!" _

_ Saïx was barely conscious. And bleeding.  
_

_ "Saïx, mate, please, open your eyes! Oh, fuck you, fine, don't open them, I don't know what happened to you, maybe some Heartless again, maybe, you know what, maybe I'll go and have my forehead slashed wide open, too, and then you'll see how concerning that is, so get that fecking memorised, you stupid stupid stupid--"  
_

_ Saïx? Barely consciously, Saïx realised that he still didn't much like that new name. But. L--Axel was calling him. With concern. And... speaking nonsense. Seeing as Xeh--- Xemnas wasn't a Heartless. Anyway... what? And so...  
_

_ But, on the other hand, somehow... he really, truly, with all his heart - no, he didn't have a heart, right, Nobody - truly didn't want to open his eyes anymore. Ever. Why? No reason. Really. He had no idea. _

_ "Saïx!" _

_ Truly no idea... _

_ "Saïx--- no, Isa, dammit, don't you go and die on me!! You know what?! Fine, I'll just go and die on you! Got it? So... there!! Don't ya think I won't!! Got it mem--" _

_ "-orised," Saïx muttered, weakly. Suddenly there was some annoying noise... no, there wasn't. It was just ringing in his ears. It was no real noise. So, Lea surely couldn't hear it, because it was just ringing in his ears. _

_ And then -- oh. Lea had a megalixir, huh? And was, Saïx could feel it, using it on Saïx right now. The whole bottle of it. That was... particularly considerate, after their last conversation. Huh. How to repay... oh, how to repay... _

_ Oh. He was losing consciousness again. His whole head seemed to be bleeding, so, no wonder... _

_ "Er... Isa! No, no reaction? Uhm, uhm, uhm.... oh, I know, I read that in a book once! Er.... abracadabra! Hocus pocus! Bibbidi-bobbidi-bum!" _

_ "Bibbidi..bobbi... what?" _

_ Saïx opened his eyes and stared at Lea - no, at Axel - but what was the difference, again?  
_

_ Ringing in ears... louder now... _

_ "Bibbidi bobbiti bum. Or bun? Beh? I can't remember. It's a magic spell!" _

_ "No... it's not..." Saïx muttered, and then there was darkness. _

_ When Saïx came to again, he was no longer bleeding - elixirs were a good thing, truly - and Lea - no, Axel - was tapping fingers against the floor of the Castle that Never Was (does the floor not ever is either? - Axel pretended to joke, three days ago...), like he used to during study sessions before school exams in order not to fall asleep, an old habit of Lea's. And was muttering, _

_ "Bibidi bobi di but or whatever" and "May your hearth -err, sorry, Isa, Key, heart, heart...be your guiding key", and then, now correct, Lea muttered, one after another, without taking a single break,  Salagadoola mechicka boola  Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, May Your Heart be your guiding Key", one after another though the two phrases were in no way connected,  Saïx knew, and Le--Axel, the fool knew that, too. He was... well on his way to being fast asleep, but he was holding some strands of Isa's hair with his free hand, and he wasn't stopping muttering, like a litany. _

_ (One memory lead to another, even truer one, if inconsequential, a simple joke, a talk, when they had hearts. _

_ An utter nonsense, as often at midnight with teen Lea and himself. _

_"I never prayed", Lea had said, two years earlier. "My parents never taught me any. Teach me?" _

_ "No, prayers are pointless. I know many, but they're pointless." _

_ "But I wanted to get some memorised! I wanna pray for a good grade, so that I don't get stuck in same class while you graduate, geez! I've got a lot on my mind, kay?" _

_ "They don't have to be long. Prayers. A word is enough. A phrase. A name. What matters. Just say 'I'll pass', if you want to pass. And then study. They don't have to be long. That's what a prayer is. Name the thing that matters. That's all. Or just do nothing, I'll help you study, moron. Besides, you can't pray."_

_ " I so can too, get it-" _

_ " If you pray, you will be forgotten, later. You won't be _ memorised. _Unless you ascend divinity. And you, can't, moron. So forget it. Don't pray."_

" _So you saying I should become a god? Be like some Zeus or tooth fairy or black cats crossing streets? Heh. Sounds like a challenge!"_

_"But you can't. You'd have to find a confused stupid moron that would kiss the ground you walk on. Kneel to hear you breathe. Keep droplets of your blood on his hand to put into a vial and kiss,and feel ashamed,because they were spilled, innocently. See, it's impossible, Lea. So don't think of religions again. I'm an atheist now, anyway. Cynthia, Selene, Diane and Endymion don't exist, they're just words of ignorants to name the feeling of the Moon shining down upon the chosen ones."_

" _Chosen by whom?"_

_"I... don't know. Nobody?"_

_ "Heeeehh, lousy. I don't wanna be chosen by nobody. Hey, let's choose each other. And this whole world! How's them choices?"  _

_ "What?"  _

_"Kidding! Get it memorised_.")

_ Saïx opened his eyes and looked at Axel, who instantly blinked, and, more awake now...  
_

_ (Name the-) _

_ "Isa!" _

_ ****** _

_ "You have no Heart"  _

_ Xemnas had said, a week _

_ upon _

_ "you feel nothing"  _

_ All true, it was hard even to smile...  _

_ ******* _

_ True, he had no Heart right now. But, it could be worse. It could be so much worse- _

_ At least he still had Axel _

_ even so _

_until-_

_ *********** _

That was... that had  


Noise

noise

noise

Nails on...

That had happened. He's almost forgotten. That had happened, even earlier. But... whatever... he was trying to remember something else now. Not THAT old. Something that happened six years ago. Why did one memory always lead to another, and then to another?

~~_** You'd do well to stop remembering at all. Memories - do you know how they connect? They're a noose. ** _ ~~

~~~~ "Not a lifeline?"  


Saïx shook his head. Now he was speaking to nothing. There was no imaginary voice in his mind, after all, he was only imagining it. That's... what imaginary voice was, by definition.  


How embarassing. At least he was in Demyx's room and nobody would see him here, doing... whatever. Nothing. Remembering. Anyway... later... 

_ ********** _

_ Six years ago... Yes, almost exactly... wait, on a birthday, but whose... perhaps- right! _


End file.
